AD | The death of a loved one is never easy. It’s not something we like to think about, let alone plan for. When a loved one dies, whether it’s sudden and unexpected, or it follows a long illness, there are always so many things that need to be done. Unfortunately, most of them need immediate attention too, as I found out when my mother died.
Five things you need to do when a loved one dies
As some of you may be aware, my mother died from cancer when I was 21 and away at university. While her death wasn’t unexpected for my father and her friends, it came as a massive shock to me. She had asked them not to tell me how ill she was, so as not to interfere with my studies.
The night before she died, I had a phone call from a close family friend, suggesting I come home straight away. She was in bed, with a tube helping her breathe. Incredibly, I didn’t realise how ill she was but it was the last time I saw her alive, as she died in the early hours of the following morning. And then I had to cope with my father, who went to pieces. My mother was always the organised one who ran our home but this time it was all down to us. Here’s some of what we had to do.
#01 Report and register her death
Because she died from natural causes, our GP was able to issue a death certificate. I don’t recall if she had given consent for organ donation but I suspect her organs would have been unusable in any case. Thereafter, we had to register her death at our local registrar’s office. (Had her death been unexpected, we would have had to ask a coroner to investigate further).
#02 Tell people
This was the hardest part for me. We went through my parents’ address book and took it in turns to phone people. To be honest, this part is still a bit of a blur, I think we were both running on autopilot. But I do remember worrying hugely that we might have missed telling someone.
Without wanting to sound morbid, I have an Excel spreadsheet on my laptop with separate sheets for family, friends, work colleagues, and miscellaneous others. Each entry has a name, telephone number and address (if known). It’s very much a work in progress but when I have time, I try to update it. You know, just in case.
And I’ve made Alan my ICE contact on my mobile phone. This is so the emergency services know who to call if I’m in an accident, especially if I can’t speak to them. It’s such a good initiative, if you haven’t set this up already then I’d urge you to do so – all you do is add ICE after their name.
#03 Arrange her funeral
My mother wanted to be cremated and left clear instructions on what had to be done, right down to her choice of music at the service. To this day, I cannot listen to either Pachelbel’s Canon in D or Beethoven’s 5th Symphony without tearing up.
But sometimes the right music can actually help too, so it’s worth thinking about, before a loved one dies, if possible. Having a funeral plan in place can enable you to lock in the current rate (nearly £5,000), avoiding rising future costs. If this is something you’ve not thought about before, then this article from Reassured details some of the pros and cons of a funeral plan.
#04 Manage her estate and probate her Will
Being super organised, my mother left her up-to-date Will with our family solicitor so probate (the process of enacting her Will) was much simpler. If she hadn’t, her whole estate would have passed to my father as they were married.
However, if they hadn’t been married, the courts would have decided according to the rules of intestacy – as unmarried partners have no right to inherit. My father would have had to apply to our local magistrates’ court for permission to act as Administrator.
#05 Tell the financial, government and online institutions
Did you know that any joint accounts are automatically frozen after one of the signatories dies? Well, we didn’t. Thanks to my mother’s organisational skills, all the necessary paperwork was in easy-to-find places. But my father still had to contact the banks, building societies, stocks and shares, credit card, insurance, mortgage, and pension companies. Then HMRC, DWP, our local council authority, the Passport Office and the DVLA. Only after they had all received a certified copy of her death certificate did things start moving again.
Fortunately, their utility companies’ and other service providers’ contracts were all in joint names and she had no recurring gym memberships on their bank account. (She didn’t regard exercise as beneficial or enjoyable in any way, shape or form – a trait I have inherited from her!)
Social media wasn’t around when my mother died. But if she’d had any social media, email and website accounts then we would have needed to cancel or transfer them as well, to prevent identity theft, if nothing else.
Planning ahead
Looking back on all of this, I can’t believe how much we had to deal with. And at the worst of all possible times too. Of course, you may have thought about some of these issues already but if not, you may find this checklist from SunLife * helpful.
I’m fairly well organised as a rule but looking ahead to my own death is not something I’ve given a great deal of thought about. While I intend to be around for a good long while yet, writing this post about the five things you need to do when a loved one dies has made me realise that a little planning ahead will not go amiss. That way, I have some peace of mind that if anything were to happen to me, Alan and Flora will have one less thing to worry about.
* This is a sponsored post.
This is such a useful and thoughtfully written post Lisa. I can’t even imagine how sad that must have been to lose your mum so early on in life, thank you for using your personal experience to help others. My ex-boyfriends mum also died of cancer and we had to deal with all the paperwork & funeral arrangements as he had no other family. It really is a traumatic time and such a whirlwind few weeks. Honestly, we had no clue where to even start and reading this post would have been so helpful and comforting. Thank you so much for sharing and offering useful advice, the Excel spreadsheet & ICE contact suggestions are such excellent ideas! <3 xx
Ah, thank you, Bexa. Losing my mum just before my finals wasn’t an experience I’d wish on anyone. But having to help my father meant there wasn’t really time to grieve as there was so much to do. Writing this post has brought some of it back, I think it’s so unfair that everything has to be done at the worst possible time. And I’m sorry about your ex’s mum, he was lucky to have you to help him. Hopefully the ICE and spreadsheet suggestions might help others though. xx
This is going to be so useful for so many people, thank you for writing it and talking about painful memories. It can’t have been easy. It really hit home with me. I was 17 when my mum died, fortunately my older sister took care of everything because I was too much of a mess to do anything. We had been expecting her death for a while, but it still came as a shock even though we were waiting.. I don’t think you’re ever ready to receive that news no matter how prepared you think you are. I’ve lost a lot of people in my life, but I’ve not had to deal with this side of things as it’s always been sorted by someone else. Your post makes me appreciate what is actually involved.
Thanks for writing this and I hope you’re doing okay. ♥
Oh, thank you so much, and I’m so sorry to hear about your mum. 17 is very young to lose the most important lady in your life. You’re right, nothing can prepare you for losing a parent, it’s incredibly hard. And made so much harder by all the stuff that you have to do afterwards. I don’t want to scare anyone or sound too morbid but I hope it’s helpful to give people an idea of what’s involved so they are aware. I’m doing OK, thank you, and I really hope you are too xx
One of the hardest things in life is seeing a loved one pass away. I remember those phone calls – if it’s hard on the receiving end, I can’t imagine how it is on the other side. I didn’t know that joint accounts are frozen when one of the stakeholders die. It’s helpful to plan ahead. Thank you for sharing this. I learned so much from this blog post. Sending you lots of love.
Nancy ♥
Ah, thank you, Nancy, that’s so kind. This wasn’t the easiest post I’ve ever written but I wanted to share my experiences to help others, so I’m glad it was helpful xx
Sending you lots of love, Lisa. Losing a loved one is never easy.
Thank you so much, Eena, much appreciated x
I lost my mother suddenly this past March, and I feel like people don’t talk about death enough. We don’t talk about what needs to be taken care of and how difficult it can be to figure out what needs to be done. We also don’t talk about grief.
Jennifer
I’m so sorry to hear about your mother, it’s the worst thing to happen. I think you’re right, we need to talk about these issues more than we do currently x
This is such an emotional post Lisa. I just can’t imagine your situation at that time. You have mentioned some important points to take care of. 🙂
Via | http://glossnglitters.com
Thank you so much, Via. It’s never a good time but the amount of stuff that needs to be done after a death is just horrendous. Hopefully, this post may be helpful for some though xx
This was such an informative post I couldn’t imagine loosing my mum, must have been so hard. But she was even looking after your right at the end as she wanted you have you focus on school. She sounds like such a lovely lady. I knew about some of these things but not all, so it is very informative. Having loss my grandma 9 years ago, I remember how upset I was, luckily I didn’t have to sort through her house and affairs but it’s something my mum and Nan had too, so much harder during that time. Thank you for sharing such a personal story ??xxxxx
Ah, thank you, Lauren, that’s so kind. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone but, as you say, hopefully sharing what happened to us will help others in the same situation in the future. And you’re right, she was looking out for me even at the end, I was very lucky xxx
This is such a useful and thought provoking post Lisa. I remember my Gran died when unless 14 and I helped my dad do various things like this – it was just before half term week so I had time to spend with him and support him through it.
Thank you so much, Kim. And I’m so very sorry to hear about your Gran, it must have been terrible for your dad (and you) he’s lucky he had you around to support him xx